Is it too much to ask for
Cashell simply could not stop caring for Lionel. There was just too much love. She had already sipped into her that she would care for him forever whether he liked it or not. It's true, she did confess to him once upon a time and his answer was some what a 'no'. It sounded more like, 'I want to live my life now, please don't disturb me.' But to Cashell it sounded like, 'I like you but you're not the one, don't you get it? I just don't feel it with you.'What could hurt her more? Is this indirect 'no' a full stop to all her care for him too? No, she could not stop caring. Besides, he was too good not to care for. He was so sweet, so kind, so special to her. Why would she want to stop caring for an angel like him? She asked him if she move on, he said 'yes'. He asked her to move on. She got hurt again. She said it was difficult upon her and asked him to behave like a jerk so she would start hating him or just avoid her so she would be able to forget him. Do you know what he said? 'I will never act like a jerk towards you and there's one thing i'd never to is to avoid you.' In fact he even asked if she was fine the next day. He was worried about her. He was worried he had hurt her feelings. The last thing he wanted to do was to hurt someone.
She asked him, 'Can i still care for you?' He said, 'yes :) ' Friendship went on. Of course Lionel was a special friend to Cashell compared to any other friend she had. She cared for him like he was her own. She felt responsible for his successes and failures, his happiness and sadness, his where abouts, everything. Some how she felt that he was getting uncomfortable.
One day she told him, 'Lionel, don't worry, I don't have any feelings for you anymore.As in, I don't think of you in that sort of way anymore. I just love you very very much as a friend and will care for you all along.' Lionel was sort of pleased with that. He was kind and sweet and entertained her much. However, she wanted more. She felt he was not giving her enough, even of the friendship. She realised she was being an idiot, like a parent, a nurturer who got nothing back in return. She wanted to see him smile all the time, but he would not know if she was smiling or not. She wanted to see his successes but he wouldn't know where she fell that day. She wanted to him grow in wealth and health but he never knew her ill-being. It was more like he did not want to know. I guess even if he knew who would not make a fuss of it. She always wondered if it's just his nature or is just that he never bothered.
She had to send two messages to get one reply. She had to buzz and message a couple of times before she was responded to. She had to call to talk for he never dialed her number on his phone. What was all this about? A one sided love? How long was she going to be an idiot? A donkey? She felt so stupid. Once upon time, she nevr bothered if he was alive or dead. Yes, she did have a crush on him but no, it was not love. She was in love with some one else.
Cashell had loved her very own cousin since she was nine. Of course through the paths in life she had fallen for others but they were all not serious cases. She was so into that cousin of hers, she did not realise she would get so hurt at the end of the day when her cousin rejected her love. He was not into her. What was it she used to wonder. She was not very bright in school. Even in the uni, not excelling. A very bubbly, fat girl she was, and not much features either. She was tough, dark, tom-boyish, immature and yes, she is still now. You would probably say she's not girlfriend material. She was not that girl all guys dreamed of. Nope, if i was a guy, i wouldn't want to be her boy friend :| So, just as she was rejected, appeared Lionel who was an angel to her. He told her things that brightened her days, told her that she was worth more.
As I had mentioned earlier, Lionel was just another person in her life. She did not bother for his well-being before this. Although she had a crush on him, she would just smile or giggle when she saw him years back, like when she was 17, he did not matter much to her. Lionel was a funny, charming boy, but rather immature she would say, not boy friend material, just another boy. But this statement when she was 17, and he was 18 already. She always felt like he would never grow. But who knew what the future held. She did care though. She felt bad when he lagged and felt happy when he lead. One year had passed, and they separated when she was 18 and he was 19. Nope, no love then. He was just another walking person to her. She happily departed from him and went into a new world.
Months had passed, no contact with Lionel, but he would miss call once in a while and she would miss call him back. And she would just call him once a year for his birthday. He never called her for hers. That's all. Nothing more in their relationship. Until one day, when he called her out for lunch on his birthday. She was surprised. And all his friends knew too. Much to her shock, she found that his friends were teasing him with her for a very long time already but he claimed that they would these him with other girls too. But, why was her name highighted most, she would wonder. Hmmm... Then there was a day he called her and said he wanted to deliver his birthday cake to her house. She said 'no' but he insisted. What a sweet guy she felt. And he was there for her all the time. Now he was 21 already and she was 20. She felt care and affection. She was falling in love with him slowly.
But afraid to say, I don't think it was the same from the other side. Was it his mistake being nice? Was he asking for trouble? Well when things turned out to be the way it is now, I would say he did ask for trouble. He messed with a girl's heart. Now she has so much to give him but she's not sure if he's the one she should give her love to. He is not responding to her love and seems to be detaching from it. It seems like he does not want the love.
But Lionel, Cashell loves you with all her heart. She may have loved and may have forgotten the previous loves. She may even learn to forget your love. But the point is, now she loves you. She understands that she's not girl friend material but all she wants to do is care for you. And even if you don't feel the same way for her, she just wants you to spend some quality time like a friend and stay around her. She loves your presence. Now she's all upset and she feels stupid. She feels like an employee working in a company unpaid by her boss. She wants to be tough and does not want her heart to be pulled around. She wants some one to hold her heart for her. She feels....
Why care when they dont?
posted by trot @ 1:55:00 pm
9 Comments:
:(..dats rely saddening......
Dear cashell..after reading your"tragedy"..i feel you got urself all wrong.You cant decide for urself that you are not a girlfren material..different guys have different sort taste for gals.Its just dat you never meet the right guy..dats all.Another thing u shud bear in mind.. Lionel maybe is not prepared for a relationship yet at the moment and maybe even he cud be scared of the whole realtionshp thing.Or maybe he has his reasons..You never know..But im not saying this for you to carry on to have hope.Life goes on gal..thy always say you have to kiss a few frogs till u meet da prince.God has destine everyone with someone and the time will come when you will meet your tht someone..It jsut takes time and patient.In Lionel case his rejection is rather different from ur previous love..at least appericate tht he didnt treat u badly like how some guys do..if u think keeping not too close to him at the moment is going to heal your pain then do it..but ignoring is a little harsh..coz after all his still ur fren..love can be a beautiful torture and at the same time a painful torture..as time go by i believe everything will be fine..u just have to b strong.
thank you baby and thank you anonymous for ur comments...they really mean a lot to me...u ppl give me a reason to smile.. and i muz bear in mind, 'THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST HIM' thanks so much :)...u guys mean the world
anytime cashell.remember one thing always .. tht those people are the one are in loss for not having you in their life..you got ntg to lose..have fun with life wen you can :)
:)
cashell, ur a sweet girl. u r lovable n adorable. our story r da same. i did try 2 find another luv. but at last da 1 that i've been thinkin da most was my ex. life must go on rite. guys always come n go. now i felt like i had fell for some1. n u noe da story behind it rite. hmmm. should i go 4 it or juz let it b? sometimes i felt like i'm givin up. i felt like i juz wanna hav fun. anyway what's important is our study. what can i say is study is my priority. health is 2nd. luv isn't important anymore. if u feel like wanna luv somebody i'm here babe. will u b mine? <( ^ _ ^ )>
haha! thanks, anonymous, sometimes it's so nice to some people who are hardly even close to you, care so much and the ones who are close are not as bothered, sure! i would rather be yours , haha, well, lionel is not a bad guy, u know, but i know it's not worth forcing someone to like u, the person must like you because they really like and love you, not just because you love them, likewise in your case, i would rather you love some one who loves u, why love some one when you know they're not going to be as sincere and loveable. anonymous, go ahead, move on for that new thing thast comes, i wish luck ;)
lame...
hey , the last anonymous, why comment as anonymous, too chicken to comment as urself when your own comment is lame too?
Post a Comment
<< Home